MoreThanMine An understanding that my life is a means for more ends than my own.

A chinese lion statue

"We practice our faith missionally – that is, we do not isolate ourselves from this world, but rather, we follow Christ into the world."

( Brian McLaren )

Don’t you ever wish that there were always…

Nathanael Berends October 13th, 2004

Ha… I go for premium, and then realize that I have been
loosing any inclination to use this site.

(iLaugh)

(recent headlines): Don’t you ever wish that there were always
that one person who you could talk to about anything, anytime?

Yeah… um.. about that…

(any eProps that offer any remote bit of sympathy will be
disregarded. yes, i know that you guys are there, and all
things considered i’ve not got it all that bad… but i guess
that sometimes things just sorta build up…)

((i’ll take care of it))

… Actually… I’m on a role… Can I continue?!?

So lately… things have seriously fallen to (excuse my expletive)
shit.

…it’s funny, because it seems like I’ve had so much practice at
faking things, that I can smile my way through the day, and fool
everyone. On a good day, I might even be able to fool myself!

Where even to start?!?

(i’ll make it brief )

1.) Baxter… Falling to hell in a handbasket. I spent the second
day this week ducking out of class on ‘bathroom breaks’ to field
phone calls & voicemail messages.

2.) School… I first thought I could catch myself back up. This sucks.

3.) Friendships… Don’t you hate it when they aren’t what they seem?!?

4.) 42nd Street… Nancy. (what more can i say?)

5.) My Future… Scares me shitless.

6.) Overdraft notices, and $100 in fines… Who knew you had to
authorize them to take money from my savings account (where
there is MORE than enough), and move it to pay for my debit
account? $100 for an F-in signature… AHHHHHH!

7.) $190 in college app fees to date… Enough Said. (i’ve applied
to one school so far)

(( i really could go on for a LONG time…))

… The only upside to any of this that I see in the near future…
almost ten times ‘that’ from Baxter in hourly fees…

As a last note: Remember when I told you how scared I was of
failure?!?

… wait for it…

Surprise.

Nathanael Berends October 10th, 2004

After Tonight, That Last Post Has Gained A WHOLE New Meaning.

Wow. Didn’t See That Coming…

How Far?

Nathanael Berends October 8th, 2004

There’s a boat, I could sail away
There’s the sky, I could catch a plane
There’s a train, there’s the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back

There’s a chance I could change my mind
But I won’t, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave

What’s so funny?

Nathanael Berends October 6th, 2004

What’s So Funny About Peace, Love & Understanding?

(what’s so funny about us?!?)

Thanks

Nathanael Berends October 3rd, 2004

I’m Thankful For You!

Beautiful

Nathanael Berends September 26th, 2004

(…who won’t be so afraid that he’ll never find a real, genuine friend.)

Both of Them.

Nathanael Berends September 24th, 2004

I had thoughts of grandeur for this post. Those, however, being quickly dashed by my obvious fatigue.

Suffice to figure this:

Have you ever felt like there are – in the same frame – a million things, and no things to talk about?

… not just things to talk about; rather, things that need to be talked about?

It feels funny – almost contradictory.

This isn’t to say that it is a painful feeling – it isn’t.

In its most fundamental form, it resembles a state in which I can live - and perhaps some day enjoy.

On the same token however, I would pay no mind in its absence.

Recognizing these facts, I consider all of the options: Both of them.

Given second thought, I would ask this: Why keep silent when one can talk?

I don’t know what I have got to say, but I’d certainly like to say it.

Wouldn’t you?

[Joy Fits!]

Love You.

Nathanael Berends September 24th, 2004

Arnesia’s Song

Nathanael Berends September 7th, 2004

I hate to move remove my previous post from the top position, but I just found the lyrics to what could be the Most Amazing song I’ve ever heard…

Robert Jones performed this song on my stage at Thumbfest:

In the year of nineteen and six-teen,
The monied world had turned its hands to war.
But deep within the State of Alabama,
Arnesia of Evergreen was born.

No movies were ever done about her.
No history books will ever hold her name.
But I know her story like I know my own hand,
And I will sing her story just the same.

In ’28 when all the folks were laughin’ ,
Thinking ’bout the money that they’d made,
At twelve years old, in dresses made of patches
Arnesia picked the cotton while she played.

And she helped her mother raise two orphaned cousins
’Cause that’s the way they did it in those days.
Not much older than the children that she cared for,
That is how Arnesia learned a mother’s ways.

In ’34 when all the folks were crying,
over all the money that they’d lost,
Arnesia was all alone and trying ,
To understand what love, too young, could cost.

’Cause she’d had two children for him out of wedlock
Back when bastards were a mark of shame.
And though she didn’t wear it in her own life
She raised her children with their father’s name.

No movies were ever done about her.
No history books will ever hold her name.
But I know her story like I know my own hand,
And I will sing her story just the same.

In ’49 Arnesia left for Detroit,
To find the poor man’s fabled promise land.
’Sold whiskey, in the Bottoms, to the workers,
And she left her problems all in Jesus hands.

Detroit was not the same as Alabama,
And she had to learn to face to the cold grey morn,
And that rags around your feet can keep you walking,
And that newsprint ’round your legs can keep you warm.

In ’56 when Civil Rights was marching,
Her daughter had a baby of her own.
She found out what Arnesia had long known,
That its hard to raise a baby on your own.

But these women worked to raise the boy together.
And they tried their best to give him everything.
When I think about the way those women raised me,
I am sure that I was born to be a king.

By the ’60s Arnesia’s son had married,
And had found success in the mechanic’s trade.
Eight children helped to bring his mother pleasure,
While ’round her feet all nine grandchildren played.

And we all grew in the joy that was around her,
And somehow we cut out the “middle moms”.
And a neighborhood of children called her “Mother,”
And she wiped away our tears with calloused palms.

No movies were ever done about her.
No history books will ever hold her name.
But I know her story like I know my own hand,
And I will sing her story just the same.

But in the 80’s while the world was busy spending,
Arnesia did the best that she could do.
Her only son was killed at 37,
And her only daughter died at 52.

And the turns of life had taken all her children
And nearly all the joy that had remained
But, in my son’s eyes she met four generations,
And, she knew her life had not been lived in vain.

In ’90 in the month that she was born in,
Arnesia of Evergreen went home.
But in ’91 my wife came in to bless me,
With another little Arnesia of my own.

And sometimes when I hear my ’Necie laughing,
I can hear the other ’Necie in the sound.
And then I bow my head and pray to heaven ,
That Arnesia’s life is better this time ’round.

Gifts.

Nathanael Berends September 6th, 2004

As a preface to this post, I’d like to make it known that I think I believe in God. Perhaps I am only as certain of this as anyone can ever be; but regardless, that single ‘fact’ greatly relates to this post.

Also, before I even write what I’ve so many times outlined in my head, I’d like to apologize for the inherent reality that I could end up sounding like an arrogant ass – infact that may be due to the reality that I am. Either way, remember these two things.

I guess that this issue first came to play in the back of my mind – a place where I could try to ignore it, and attempt to deny its existence. Now, this question has moved into my immediate reality ; it has become something that does concern me, and is directly relative to my daily life.

Is it wrong if I recognize a God-given gift, realize the effects that I could create with it, and refuse to use it?

I am good at mixing sound. I’ve got a talent. I’ve got a gift…

… and, I guess that with all of the spiritual strength I can muster, I need to realize the origin of the gift.

As uncertain as I am in asserting this, it is my rickety belief that God has blessed me with this skill and my apparent success in the arena of audio engineering.

Perhaps I’m being arrogant about it.

At any rate, it seems that if this past weekend was any barometer, I can – as Matt told me – do amazing things, and encounter untold success.

… ‘If I want it.’

I’ve only even discussed this with one other person in the world… I suppose that is b.c. it scares me that what I’ve been doing with my life for the past years may have been for naught.

Do I want it?

I don’t know.

I’m certainly less certain about it than I was even eight months ago.

I could have a fabulous life if I continue doing what I am doing… but I really don’t know if that is the person I want to become.

I’ve got a gift… but I’m really not too certain as to its place in my life.

What if I’ve got other gifts I can lead my life with?

I know that I can do amazing things if I pursue a life with the gift that I’ve been given.

But I don’t necessarily want that…

As a ‘Christian’, do I have an obligation to orient my life in the direction that God has been leading me for the past seven years?

… is it wrong of me to ignore the glory I could bring God in exchange for my own agenda?

Bottom line:

I am really gifted.

I’m not even sure if I don’t like the gifts that I’ve been given, but I really don’t want to lead my life by them. Sure, it is fun – but there are so many other things that I’d like to try. It almost seems that it’d be too easy to pursue a career in audio.

… and if I learned only one thing this summer, it is that I NEVER want to become like a single one of the guys that I worked with this summer.

People who can’t keep priorities… who can’t keep a family… who can’t see their limits with alcohol… who ‘cope with the road’ the only way they know how – in a number of saddening ways… who have forgotten what life is about… who have been so jaded by something that they’ve let their lives fall to shit…

Allie once challenged me to be the one sound guy who is ‘different’… who doesn’t fall into the surfeit of vices…

I can promise that every single one of the guys I worked with this summer thought that their lives would be different – none of them would plan a life like theirs. I imagine that a good majority of them were assured that they could be ‘different’…

Well… they aren’t.

…and I don’t really have enough faith in myself to even tempt that gamble.

What is my obligation?

Have I been incoherent?

(i’m sorry)

Regardless of what happens, remind me why

[Joy Fits!]

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