Gifts.
Nathanael Berends September 6th, 2004
As a preface to this post, I’d like to make it known that I think I believe in God. Perhaps I am only as certain of this as anyone can ever be; but regardless, that single ‘fact’ greatly relates to this post.
Also, before I even write what I’ve so many times outlined in my head, I’d like to apologize for the inherent reality that I could end up sounding like an arrogant ass – infact that may be due to the reality that I am. Either way, remember these two things.
I guess that this issue first came to play in the back of my mind – a place where I could try to ignore it, and attempt to deny its existence. Now, this question has moved into my immediate reality ; it has become something that does concern me, and is directly relative to my daily life.
Is it wrong if I recognize a God-given gift, realize the effects that I could create with it, and refuse to use it?
I am good at mixing sound. I’ve got a talent. I’ve got a gift…
… and, I guess that with all of the spiritual strength I can muster, I need to realize the origin of the gift.
As uncertain as I am in asserting this, it is my rickety belief that God has blessed me with this skill and my apparent success in the arena of audio engineering.
Perhaps I’m being arrogant about it.
At any rate, it seems that if this past weekend was any barometer, I can – as Matt told me – do amazing things, and encounter untold success.
… ‘If I want it.’
I’ve only even discussed this with one other person in the world… I suppose that is b.c. it scares me that what I’ve been doing with my life for the past years may have been for naught.
Do I want it?
I don’t know.
I’m certainly less certain about it than I was even eight months ago.
I could have a fabulous life if I continue doing what I am doing… but I really don’t know if that is the person I want to become.
I’ve got a gift… but I’m really not too certain as to its place in my life.
What if I’ve got other gifts I can lead my life with?
I know that I can do amazing things if I pursue a life with the gift that I’ve been given.
But I don’t necessarily want that…
As a ‘Christian’, do I have an obligation to orient my life in the direction that God has been leading me for the past seven years?
… is it wrong of me to ignore the glory I could bring God in exchange for my own agenda?
Bottom line:
I am really gifted.
I’m not even sure if I don’t like the gifts that I’ve been given, but I really don’t want to lead my life by them. Sure, it is fun – but there are so many other things that I’d like to try. It almost seems that it’d be too easy to pursue a career in audio.
… and if I learned only one thing this summer, it is that I NEVER want to become like a single one of the guys that I worked with this summer.
People who can’t keep priorities… who can’t keep a family… who can’t see their limits with alcohol… who ‘cope with the road’ the only way they know how – in a number of saddening ways… who have forgotten what life is about… who have been so jaded by something that they’ve let their lives fall to shit…
Allie once challenged me to be the one sound guy who is ‘different’… who doesn’t fall into the surfeit of vices…
I can promise that every single one of the guys I worked with this summer thought that their lives would be different – none of them would plan a life like theirs. I imagine that a good majority of them were assured that they could be ‘different’…
Well… they aren’t.
…and I don’t really have enough faith in myself to even tempt that gamble.
What is my obligation?
Have I been incoherent?
(i’m sorry)
Regardless of what happens, remind me why
[Joy Fits!]