Beautiful
Nathanael Berends September 26th, 2004
(…who won’t be so afraid that he’ll never find a real, genuine friend.)
Archive for September, 2004
Both of Them.
Nathanael Berends September 24th, 2004
I had thoughts of grandeur for this post. Those, however, being quickly dashed by my obvious fatigue.
Suffice to figure this:
Have you ever felt like there are – in the same frame – a million things, and no things to talk about?
… not just things to talk about; rather, things that need to be talked about?
It feels funny – almost contradictory.
This isn’t to say that it is a painful feeling – it isn’t.
In its most fundamental form, it resembles a state in which I can live - and perhaps some day enjoy.
On the same token however, I would pay no mind in its absence.
Recognizing these facts, I consider all of the options: Both of them.
Given second thought, I would ask this: Why keep silent when one can talk?
I don’t know what I have got to say, but I’d certainly like to say it.
Wouldn’t you?
[Joy Fits!]
Arnesia’s Song
Nathanael Berends September 7th, 2004
I hate to move remove my previous post from the top position, but I just found the lyrics to what could be the Most Amazing song I’ve ever heard…
Robert Jones performed this song on my stage at Thumbfest:
In the year of nineteen and six-teen,
The monied world had turned its hands to war.
But deep within the State of Alabama,
Arnesia of Evergreen was born.
No movies were ever done about her.
No history books will ever hold her name.
But I know her story like I know my own hand,
And I will sing her story just the same.
In ’28 when all the folks were laughin’ ,
Thinking ’bout the money that they’d made,
At twelve years old, in dresses made of patches
Arnesia picked the cotton while she played.
And she helped her mother raise two orphaned cousins
’Cause that’s the way they did it in those days.
Not much older than the children that she cared for,
That is how Arnesia learned a mother’s ways.
In ’34 when all the folks were crying,
over all the money that they’d lost,
Arnesia was all alone and trying ,
To understand what love, too young, could cost.
’Cause she’d had two children for him out of wedlock
Back when bastards were a mark of shame.
And though she didn’t wear it in her own life
She raised her children with their father’s name.
No movies were ever done about her.
No history books will ever hold her name.
But I know her story like I know my own hand,
And I will sing her story just the same.
In ’49 Arnesia left for Detroit,
To find the poor man’s fabled promise land.
’Sold whiskey, in the Bottoms, to the workers,
And she left her problems all in Jesus hands.
Detroit was not the same as Alabama,
And she had to learn to face to the cold grey morn,
And that rags around your feet can keep you walking,
And that newsprint ’round your legs can keep you warm.
In ’56 when Civil Rights was marching,
Her daughter had a baby of her own.
She found out what Arnesia had long known,
That its hard to raise a baby on your own.
But these women worked to raise the boy together.
And they tried their best to give him everything.
When I think about the way those women raised me,
I am sure that I was born to be a king.
By the ’60s Arnesia’s son had married,
And had found success in the mechanic’s trade.
Eight children helped to bring his mother pleasure,
While ’round her feet all nine grandchildren played.
And we all grew in the joy that was around her,
And somehow we cut out the “middle moms”.
And a neighborhood of children called her “Mother,”
And she wiped away our tears with calloused palms.
No movies were ever done about her.
No history books will ever hold her name.
But I know her story like I know my own hand,
And I will sing her story just the same.
But in the 80’s while the world was busy spending,
Arnesia did the best that she could do.
Her only son was killed at 37,
And her only daughter died at 52.
And the turns of life had taken all her children
And nearly all the joy that had remained
But, in my son’s eyes she met four generations,
And, she knew her life had not been lived in vain.
In ’90 in the month that she was born in,
Arnesia of Evergreen went home.
But in ’91 my wife came in to bless me,
With another little Arnesia of my own.
And sometimes when I hear my ’Necie laughing,
I can hear the other ’Necie in the sound.
And then I bow my head and pray to heaven ,
That Arnesia’s life is better this time ’round.
Gifts.
Nathanael Berends September 6th, 2004
As a preface to this post, I’d like to make it known that I think I believe in God. Perhaps I am only as certain of this as anyone can ever be; but regardless, that single ‘fact’ greatly relates to this post.
Also, before I even write what I’ve so many times outlined in my head, I’d like to apologize for the inherent reality that I could end up sounding like an arrogant ass – infact that may be due to the reality that I am. Either way, remember these two things.
I guess that this issue first came to play in the back of my mind – a place where I could try to ignore it, and attempt to deny its existence. Now, this question has moved into my immediate reality ; it has become something that does concern me, and is directly relative to my daily life.
Is it wrong if I recognize a God-given gift, realize the effects that I could create with it, and refuse to use it?
I am good at mixing sound. I’ve got a talent. I’ve got a gift…
… and, I guess that with all of the spiritual strength I can muster, I need to realize the origin of the gift.
As uncertain as I am in asserting this, it is my rickety belief that God has blessed me with this skill and my apparent success in the arena of audio engineering.
Perhaps I’m being arrogant about it.
At any rate, it seems that if this past weekend was any barometer, I can – as Matt told me – do amazing things, and encounter untold success.
… ‘If I want it.’
I’ve only even discussed this with one other person in the world… I suppose that is b.c. it scares me that what I’ve been doing with my life for the past years may have been for naught.
Do I want it?
I don’t know.
I’m certainly less certain about it than I was even eight months ago.
I could have a fabulous life if I continue doing what I am doing… but I really don’t know if that is the person I want to become.
I’ve got a gift… but I’m really not too certain as to its place in my life.
What if I’ve got other gifts I can lead my life with?
I know that I can do amazing things if I pursue a life with the gift that I’ve been given.
But I don’t necessarily want that…
As a ‘Christian’, do I have an obligation to orient my life in the direction that God has been leading me for the past seven years?
… is it wrong of me to ignore the glory I could bring God in exchange for my own agenda?
Bottom line:
I am really gifted.
I’m not even sure if I don’t like the gifts that I’ve been given, but I really don’t want to lead my life by them. Sure, it is fun – but there are so many other things that I’d like to try. It almost seems that it’d be too easy to pursue a career in audio.
… and if I learned only one thing this summer, it is that I NEVER want to become like a single one of the guys that I worked with this summer.
People who can’t keep priorities… who can’t keep a family… who can’t see their limits with alcohol… who ‘cope with the road’ the only way they know how – in a number of saddening ways… who have forgotten what life is about… who have been so jaded by something that they’ve let their lives fall to shit…
Allie once challenged me to be the one sound guy who is ‘different’… who doesn’t fall into the surfeit of vices…
I can promise that every single one of the guys I worked with this summer thought that their lives would be different – none of them would plan a life like theirs. I imagine that a good majority of them were assured that they could be ‘different’…
Well… they aren’t.
…and I don’t really have enough faith in myself to even tempt that gamble.
What is my obligation?
Have I been incoherent?
(i’m sorry)
Regardless of what happens, remind me why
[Joy Fits!]
Wow… What Arrogance.
Nathanael Berends September 6th, 2004
Okay… Thumbfest.
What can I say except that I should feel more greatful than I am?
This weekend, I was invited (and payed very well ) to mix the acts on mainstage at Thumbfest…
That is such an honor…
…An honor that they would think it worthwhile to drag me from the opposite side of the state, and have me be the only thing separating the Mainstage acts from failure and success.
The crowning moments of the festival - for me - occured during the last set of the evening:
… It was either the moment when C.J. - the lead singer of ‘Tangerine Trousers’ spent a minute and a half talking about how far ahead of so many highschool seniors I am… or when my ‘fan club’ - sitting behind, and to the left of me, began chanting my name when one of the acts thanked me.
(i am so damn cocky… sorry)
Anyhow, it was cool!
I was very proud of how I handled the festival, and the audience seemed to agree. It was SOOO Cool to have people - ages 15 to 70 - compliment my talents.
…And, it was cool to overhear my dad bragging about how his youngest child owned a company, and was succeding wildly in the festival circuit.
Matt Watroba - the emcee of the festival - assured me that I have got an Unlimited Future in audio engineering if I want it.
… I was struck by how he - almost as an afterthought - added ‘if you want it’…
(maybe i’ll explain at a later date why that was soo cool for me to hear)
Anyhow - I recognize that this post is all about me, and is SOOO egotistical. That said, I would like to appologize…
But, rest assured that I am happy about how this weekend has turned out… I can’t type my true excitement, so maybe I’ll need to tell you in person some time…
It is this type of weekend that assures me that I have got SOOO much to look forward to.
… Awesome.
[Joy Fits!]
Aural Exciter.
Nathanael Berends September 3rd, 2004
Wow… Those Posts Were Pretty Angry…
Sorry About That.
Anyhow, I’m MUCH Better Than I Was 24 Hours Ago!
Why?
B/c I Won HUGE In Poker Tonight - I Came Out Significantly Ahead Of Where I Started. I Won Four Pots - Ranging From $11, To $26… You Can Do The Math…
… Not Bad For $1 Bets!
Yeah… Um… Tonight Was My First Night Playing Too!
Other Highlights Of Late…
Yesterday Afternoon Was Freakin’ Great! I Could Explain Why… But I’ll Hope That It Suffices To Say That Having Cool Friends Is Cool
School… Yeah… Um… I’ve Got HW In AP CALC, And PHYSICS… Not Cool At All.
42nd Street - I’m In The Cast… Lord Knows What That Means.
Chamber… Rocks.
Chapel Committee… If You Want To Be Part Of A KICKIN’ Core Group, Talk To Me
Student Congress… I Was Nominated Today… That’s Cool.
Today, Spent Money On Audio Stuff - ALWAYS A Good Thing (tax-deductable )
There Are A Hundred And Twenty-One Other New Things Too… Maybe I’ll Need To Tell You In Person!
Have A GREAT Night!
I Leave Tomorrow Morning For Thumbfest, And The Port Austin Arts Fair… That Should Be Cool
(i’m really excited, b.c the audio processors i bought today will BLOW the socks off of those country folk… they’ll think i am the wizard of oz )
Um… Er… I Mean… Uh…
(stop reading here)
[Joy Fits!]
I’m Angry.
Nathanael Berends September 1st, 2004
To All Pro-Bush Folk…
How in hell can you guys justify four more years of ‘Foreign Policy’ that looks more like domestic policy…?
Cheny, Zell: Newsflash - Defending America isn’t the same thing as blowing the hell out of innocent civilians.
Zell Miller: “I support George Bush, b.c like him, I know that God is not indifferent to America”
Do I even need to detail what is wrong with this quote?
This just doesn’t line up…
A few months ago, I joked about leaving the States if Bush was re-elected…
Did you know that there are some pretty cool music schools in London?
(you probably think i’m kidding. i’m not.)
… I’m Pissed.
(ignorant fucks)