Nathanael Berends May 17th, 2004
As pale light filtered through the dense haze of toxic exhaust, I found myself in a situation that until this point had been foreign to me. Over the general disquiet, my ears perked up to what can only – in hindsight - be called non-sense. It was here, in this eclectic mix of society - of the socially unacceptable, and myself – that my epiphany occurred.
Goals are important. This is an assertion that is as global of a truth as any I’ve come across lately. I suppose that on the onset of this journey, I had inadvertently set a goal for myself, on a seemingly subconscious level. What I had unknowingly done, it could stand to reason – was then significant.
But what was this goal? What could be so important that my personality would intercede in my behavior, before social precedent, or cultural acceptability could reason otherwise? In other words, what problem would my mind prefer to solve without conscious effort? It was here, in this small town bar, that I finally realized the solution; or perhaps, the question.
I suppose that my mind had one simple goal.
I had a subconscious need to justify what I’ve been feeling over the past few days.
It was that simple; rather, it is that simple.
In my haste, I readily recognize the need to catch myself; and remember that the preceding statement was formed in the present tense – not past or future, but Present.
This is current; this is real; this is pertinent.
While gazing into nothingness, and actively attempting to achieve some sort of profound thought – or explanation to my question - I found what could be considered an oxymoron.
I found no answer, which was – for me – a perfectly suitable answer.
The truth is that I don’t know what I am feeling - I don’t know what this means.
This scares me – a lot; perhaps to an extent greater than anything that one may predict. Some fears cause anxiety, pain, or anger – my fears cause an inexplicable need to hide my emotion in a carefully woven patchwork of cliché statements, and complicated sentences.
This isn’t what I want; and, with grace on my side, this will never be my intention.
I don’t want to hide a thing.
… and I don’t want ambiguity.
As a means to that end, I would like simply to assert this:
I don’t know what is going to happen next; and in all honesty, I don’t know that I’d care to.
I do know this:
I love where we are.
It IS that simple.
“…all the roads we have to walk are winding – and all the lights that lead us there are blinding – there are many things that I’d like to say to you – but I don’t know how.”