igotnothin
Nathanael Berends March 23rd, 2004
sometimesitsgoodtohavenothing - andthatisallineed
I Hope I Can Remember Forever… Thanks For The Valuble Lesson Erin…
Archive for March, 2004
Shane Claiborne at Mars Hill
Nathanael Berends March 22nd, 2004
Ok… So It’s Not That I Live My Life For Xanga…
I Live My Life For My Friends… And Myself…
As It Turns Out, I Have Friends Who Vicariously Live My Life Through Xanga…
It Seems That Not Posting Causes A Disruption In The Xanga Experiences Of People…
I’m Sorry.
I Also May Be Wrong - But Just To Be Safe, I’ll Post Anyway.
POST BEGINS HERE:
So… Forensics. Kindof A Sad Story… I’d Love To Tell You Some Time.
After Forensics… Sleep. I Think We All Know That Story… Mmmm… Sleep.
Sunday:
Went To Church - Heard This AMAZING Talk From This Guy Who Is Trying To Develop Communitys In Philly That Live AS THE BIBLE SAYS…
They Pool Their Resources, And Live With Eachother In The Spirit.
I Thought What You Are Probably Thinking Now…
- This Guy Is Some Crazy Radical Cultist…
Not So - The Stuff He Talked About - His Message - Was Sooooo Cool… I Wish Every Person In The World Could’ve Heard What He Had To Say.
Come To Think Of It, If You’ve Got An Hour To Kill Some Time (Yeah Right) I Think You Can Download The Teaching Off Of The Mars Hill Website - http://www. mhbcmi.org - Or Something Like That… .Com? I Dunno.
After Church, We Had Dinner… Good Times… Mad Loads Of People.
At 4:30, We Filmed A Superhero Video For Am. Lit. - That Was Pretty Cool…
Then I Came Home, And Did Muse…
I Am Still Doing Muse…
I Will Always Be Doing Muse…
It’s Ok Though… Koning And Knol Gave Me $50 B/c They Felt Sorry For The Amount Of Time This Is Taking…
It Went Towards The $60 Floppy Drive I Bought Today FOR THE MUSE… Hmm… That’s Funny.
Anyhow… It Is Late… And I Need Sleep…
I Did Promise Erin Some Deep Reflections Regarding Friends… That Is Still Forthcoming - I Haven’t Got The Time, Nor Inclination To Undertake Such A Post As That One Will Inevitably Be…
Sorry -
I Realize That If You Actually Did Read All Of This, You May Be Feeling Unfulfilled… I’m Sorry… It (This Post) Was Rather Random, And Unecissary.
Erin Makes Me Smile.
… And Laugh
… And Love
That IS Necisarry…
Yay!
Miller’s Sex Life?
Nathanael Berends March 20th, 2004
Great Night -
We Started With Dinner At Mallorys -
Mal, Jill, And Erin - I Owe You Gals A Great Deal Of Thanks… So Thanks!
From There, We Went To The Knol’s…
Great Time, Though There Was Far Too Much Talk About Millers Sex Life.
Anyhow - It Was An Overall Good Night…
Joel, Mal, Ben, Jill, Jer, Aaron, Erin… I Need To Get To Know You Folks Better…
Forensics Is Tomarrow… I Should Sleep, So That Is Where I’ll Be…
I Am Already Exemplifying Incoherence…
It Is Time For Bed…
Yeah.
- Nate
Darkness
Nathanael Berends March 19th, 2004
I’ve Heard Alot About This “Darkness”…
I Can’t Lie - I’m Pretty Excited!
Nothing Fancy Post
Nathanael Berends March 19th, 2004
I Think Erin Said It Best When She Said:
“…so tired of trying to pull stuff out of my brain and make it make sense…so i was like…word to the nothing fancy post…”
So Here Is My Post - Nothing Fancy, But A Post Nonetheless.
This Was A Detour… Not A Roadblock
Nathanael Berends March 18th, 2004
“The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.”
In issues this complex, I find it hard to even fathom a point of fruition – a beginning. I suppose that when faced with issues of great detail - and immensity - the beginning is often the best place to begin. That said, I will commence:
Those close to me were well aware that the past two weeks – the middle of March 2004 – had been some of the best of my life. I’d imagine that such a claim could seem boisterous, and if gone unsubstantiated, could perhaps end up un-believed. I had felt feelings that had previously been foreign. These weeks taught me a valuable lesson, and showed me what an amazing place this earth is – and how blessed we truly are.
I hope that among other things, this writing captures my joy, and hope – for Erin, for myself, and my future – our future. I wish nothing other than to walk away from this experience with a friend, and a lesson.
As I mentioned earlier, the beginning is a great place to begin – just as I would put socks on before my shoes; or put the keys in the ignition before I try to drive.
This is what perplexes me:
Being an admittedly left-brained person, I will falter, stumble, and ultimately fail if I don’t face things in a logical, sensible, and systematic manner. Why then did this, my first foray into the ways of the heart, need also to be my first deviation from my system? What was new?
This time is was love – we both agreed that.
“All is fair in love and war – but especially love…”
It seems I had forgotten what Shakespeare had taught us all along: there are no rules to Love – there are no systems by which it can be controlled.
This might be an ominous sign for my future encounters with love… though I may have a plan.
An amazing woman once told me this:
“…i’m finding myself having to do a lot more blinded jumping…no more one foot in front of the other…just closing my eyes, opening my mind, praying for God to catch me…and taking a leap…”
Anyhow – I suppose that I should return to my story:
As I’ve already made apparent, we didn’t begin at the beginning – we had made this move unknowingly of course. Within the span of two weeks we had gone from relatively nothing, to a relationship likened to that of a couple wedded for years. Two weeks prior, we might have exchanged a cordial “hey” as we passed in the halls. Last night, she treated me to the best conversation of my entire life.
Our naivety was our undoing I suppose. We had rushed right past the friendship stage – in a whirlwind movement, we had become the centers of each-others worlds.
This was an amazing way to learn about each other, but ultimately we still weren’t the good friends that we should have started as.
We even discussed this quite early on in the relationship: we were each other’s “everything”, but we weren’t each other’s best friends.
I suppose that this should have been the signal of impending problems. It wasn’t.
A short while passed before this became a problem. Meanwhile, we somehow continued our paths of extreme infatuation. We continued to laugh. We continued to cry. We continued to be Us.
The situation came to a head this afternoon – when I read a discouraging post:
Continuing our tradition of unabashed honesty, we openly discussed it.
Erin Bokhout:thats the only thing we can do…just keep going…but lets keep going starting as friends…and go from there…like it probably should have been in the first place
Erin Bokhout: like you said, if you’r enot my best friend how can you be my everything?
Nate Berends: Exactly
Erin Bokhout: so lets start there…and work up from there…whether that be working up towards a relationship…or just a better friendship
Nate Berends: Yes
Erin Bokhout: i would just feel way more comfortable if we concentrate on being friends…and face the relationship issue IF and when it comes to us
Erin Bokhout: and then i think new york will be easier…we can make memories as friends nate…hanging out and laughin and stuff….
Erin Bokhout: lets not try to make this what it’s not
Nate Berends: I Guess I Had Gotten So Excited That There Was Someone Out There That Might Be So Much More Than A Friend… i Guess We Lost Sight Of What Was Important
Nate Berends: Yeah
Erin Bokhout: i wouldn’t change anything about the way things have been since i’ve gotten closer with you…we forgot to start being freinds first nate…
Erin Bokhout: i’ve never lied to you…nor will i ever…adn thats why i’m glad we’re talkign about this
Nate Berends: We Did
Nate Berends: Me Too…
Erin Bokhout: everything i said last night..was truth…everything i’m saying now is truth..and everything i said last week was truth…
Nate Berends: When I Saw That Post, I Was So Scared That This Was What You Meant…
Nate Berends: It’s Good To Talk Openly Like This
Nate Berends: Thank You
Erin Bokhout: i tried not to mean it…but i can’t help but be honest with you…i never want to hurt you by pretending i’m feeling one way…even if that is how i wish i felt
Erin Bokhout:i would do anything to make it that way…
Erin Bokhout: but sometimes you can’t make things happen…you just have to let them
Nate Berends: And I Can’t Stand That… I Also Can’t Combat That…
Nate Berends: Regardless Of What I Ever Said - I Am Realizing How Hard I Actually Fell For You
Erin Bokhout: i’m not denying that i’ve fallen for you…thats the truth…but it just isn’t there…this hurts me so bad to have to admit to both you and myself that this probably isn’t what we thought….it hurts so bad…but i needed to tell you.
Nate Berends: It Hurts Me Just As Much - Believe Me - But Faking It Wouldn’t Lead To Anything That We Want
Nate Berends: I’ll Never Forget What We *Had*… Or Still Have… I Will Remember This Forever… I Guess I Had Just Thought It Would’ve Been Different…
Nate Berends: Regardless Of Anything, You Have Been, And Always Will Be My First Real Love…
Erin Bokhout: adn the truth is you can’t get over that in a day..and neither will i…and nate…i still love you…that’s never goign to be an issue….and i need you to promise me we’ll always be friends..promise me we can still talk like this…promise me things won’t be weird…promise me we can still hang out…promise me we can still look at the stars
Nate Berends: We Will Always Be Able To Talk… We Will Always Be Able To Look At The Stars… We Will Always Be Friends…
Nate Berends: That Makes Me Really Happy To Think About… It Helps. Because For The Third Time In My Life, True Tears Are Filling My Eyes…
Erin Bokhout: dammit…igotnothin
Nate Berends: nordoi
And that was that - two hours after we began, it was resolved.
We agreed that neither of us wanted our friendship to be awkward – we both knew that that could destroy every shred of what we had left.
Recognizing that I am prone to exaggeration, I’d like to make it clear that this is none –
These two weeks have been the best of my life - ones I will never forget.
Erin Alies Bokhout was my first love.
I suppose she always will be.
I guess it goes without saying that I am eternally grateful to Erin for all that she has taught me, and all that we have been through… All that we will go through.
Erin Bokhout: i’m singing it to you.
Erin Bokhout: and to me.
Nate Berends: You Know What…. There Is A Tomorrow… We Survived
Nate Berends: Again… This Was A Detour… Not A Roadblock
Erin Bokhout: right…a new road
Nate Berends: That’s It
That is it…
“The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning.”
The End.
A Promise.
Nathanael Berends March 18th, 2004
You Can Expect A Helluva Entry In The Near Future
[Cut to Hindsight]
Nathanael Berends March 17th, 2004
My Dad Told Me That I Was Over-Extended, And Was Headed For A Breakdown…
The Scary Part Is That I Know He Is Right…
I Haven’t Had Eight Hours Of Sleep On A Week-Night Since Early November… Maybe Longer.
I’ve Been Averaging Between 4, And 6…
I Suppose I Hope Nothing More From This Post Than To Create A Record That Can Be Dug Up When I Am Found… Huddled On A Carribean Island… Trying Vainly To Undo All Of The Self-Inflicted Trauma That My Spirit Has Played Host To.
Anyhow… In Other News…
I Suppose We Were Just Naieve…
[Cut To Hindsight]
We Had Issues, And Luckily We Faced Them Head On - Together…
All Small Details Aside, I Know That Because Of This Detour, WE Are Stronger.
We Are Ready…
Game On!
I Can Tell You That I Too Am Happy…
Nathanael Berends March 17th, 2004
… You Wrote This Just More Than A Week Ago:
> so i’m feeling happy…yet there’s still something missing in my life…some emptiness….some part of me that longs to know the happiness the rest of me feels. i think that i want to be loved, i’m not talking frienship love, or the kind of love your parents give you i’m talking romantic love. i want to be the inspiration for a love song, i want to be what he thinks about when he falls asleep at night, what he sees in the stars, what he prays for, what he dreams, and what wakes him every morning…i want to be “the one.” i want someone to long to hold me, i want someone to love me that way…i just want someone to love. I want someone to need me….to kiss me….to choose me…. why is it never me?
I Can Tell You That I Too Am Happy…
You ARE The Inspiration Of My Song.
You ARE The Last Thing I Think Of When I Fall Asleep.
I See The Stars With You, And I See You In The Stars.
You ARE My Prayer, And You ARE My Dream.
You ARE The One, You ARE Everything.
I Long To Hold You - And Love You In That Way
I Need You… I Choose You… It IS You…
Counting for Erin
Nathanael Berends March 17th, 2004
For Erin:
I’m Counting The Minutes – Till I See Your Face
And I’m Watching The Seconds – Till I Feel Your Grace
And I’d Give Up Forever, Just To Stay Here Tonight -
But Forever Without You Just Wouldn’t Seem Right
This Feeling Of New – This Feeling Of Joy
This Feeling Of Never Wanting To Let You Go
This Strange Premonition That’s Been Keeping Me Going
This Deep Heartfelt Knowledge That You’ll Leave Here Knowing That…
I’m Counting The Minutes – Till I See Your Face
And I’m Watching The Seconds – Till I Feel Your Grace
And I’d Give Up Forever, Just To Stay Here Tonight -
But Forever Without You Just Wouldn’t Seem Right
The Sense That There Is Something Much Bigger Than Me
The Feeling Of Knowing That I Have Finally Seen
What The Songwriters… And Poets Have Known All Along
The Kind Of Feeling - That Inspired This Song…
And Makes Me Count The Minutes – Till I See Your Face
And Keep An Eye On The Seconds – Till I Feel Your Grace
And Give Up Forever, Just To Stay Here Tonight
But Knowing Forever, Without You, Just Wouldn’t Seem Right
I’m Not Sure What To Say, All I Know Is What I Feel
Our Past Has Been A Whirlwind – Seeming Almost Surreal
Though I Do Hear The Truth When I Hear From My Heart
And I Want Oh So Badly To Know Where-Ever To Start, And…
Begin Counting The Minutes – Till I See Your Face
And Continue Watching The Seconds – Till I Feel Your Grace
Because I’d Give Up Forever, Just To Stay Here Tonight -
But Forever Without You Just Wouldn’t Seem Right
Yeah I’d Give Up Forever, Just To Stay Here Tonight -
But Forever Without You Just Wouldn’t Seem Right