“The Fair Cousin Of Morning’s Smile Worked His Dark Magic In This Place”
Nathanael Berends March 6th, 2004
YESSSSSSS…
My Life Without Xanga Has Been Cold And Dark…
Actually… That Is A Lie…
My Night Was Just Made In The Past Two Hours With A Kick-Ass Conversation With A Pretty Damn Cool Person…
Drugs, Alcohol, God, Risk, New Years Resolutions, And Future Plans…
The Main Issues Facing Any Adolecent In America…
On A Semi-Random Tangent… That New Years Thing Reminded Me:
I Wrote This On New Years Eve… And I Am Kinda Proud That I Managed To Break My Resolution In The First 60 Of 525,600 Minutes That The New Year Had To Offer.
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So far, it’s been the New Year for exactly six minutes, and fourteen seconds. My biggest accomplishment this year is clearly the Subway I just devoured – twelve inches in four and a half minutes.
I don’t know what I hope to gain by registering these rambling strains of insanity, but I figured that my battery if full, and I am an hour away from anywhere I care about.
I’m not sure how I should feel about the year to come – I’m also pretty sure that I’m not supposed to start a sentence with the word “I’m”. Anyhow, my idle mind cant help but look at this slow, and admittedly lackluster beginning to the year as an ominous sign of what’s to come. When the clock strikes midnight, it is a time to start over, and forget the failures and shortcomings of yesteryear. For me, the moment occurred in a slightly less poetic fashion.
“Happy New Year Dad…”
I mutter this in something short of a whimper as our suburban speeds down US-131.
The saying goes: “Come like a lion, and leave like a lamb.” My evening has proved to defy this saying. My hope is that I can apply the converse of this sentiment. The New Year has come like a lamb, bitten me in the ass – and said hello. Luckily I have 364 days other than this to make my year grand.
All of this talk about new years makes me truly reflect on the past year. As I write – as is very common in all my writing – my emotion bypasses my better judgment, and sits on the page… staring me in my face.
But was my past year all that bad?
What would I like to change?
In all honesty, I would change very little.
This past year has been very revealing in many aspects of my life. I have found new friends, managed to keep my old ones, and balanced the high wire between them. I have succeeded beyond all of my realistic imagination. I have grown in most every spiritual direction, and begun to live my own life.
All of these things I mark as pinnacles of life. That might only make sense to me, but I imagine that it is a reasonable statement. I hold these achievements in high regard.
But there is still an emptiness.
There is something missing
At times I wonder if – at the risk of becoming cliché – there is more to this life. This marks only the tip of my personal iceberg – whose depths my closest friends know little of.
Perhaps I need to become more outgoing.
I need to take chances… I need to seize the day… Carpe’ Diem!
Hmmmm…. This solution seems highly suspect. Perhaps wrong?
Anyhow, I don’t really think that speculation is the key to anything. Speculation is in my mind a waste. Things are what they are, and a situation is what it is.
Does this sound pessimistic?
I hope that I am not crossing signals. It is good to plan, and it is good to have forward consideration, but just sitting around and wondering seems like a waste of time.
I’m probably wrong… The first true error of the year… ouch.
I’ll admit that I might just be crazy, and should probably just end my personal discussion here. 3…. 2…. 1…. Now!
Anyhow, I’ve been writing for 32 minutes, and I imagine that it is time to wrap this up. I’m 22 miles outside of Grand Rapids, and my new year is about to begin.
I will be home in time for the Chicago New Year. While Denver is ringing in 2004, I will be with my friends, holding up a long awaited new years resolution. When San Francisco is ringing in the New Year, I will be someone other than who I am right now.
I’m excited!
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In Light Of Recent Conversations, I’m Glad I Didn’t Uphold That Resolution…
I Also Like The Part About Taking Risks, And Other Assorted Chances… Ha Ha
Wow… It Is Much To Late To Be Up…
Especially With Choral Festival Tomarrow And All…
Mrs. Quist Would Have My Head…
This One Got Long - So I Offer Three Closing Thoughts…
1.) If You Were Only Skimming This… Good For You, You Found A More Efficient Way To Xanga…
2.) If You Read Every Word, I’m Either Hugely Scared, or Immensely Flattered That You Take Such Intrest in My Life…
3.) I Would Give Anything To Have A Good Conversation With A Great Person… Again…
“The Fair Cousin Of Morning’s Smile Worked His Dark Magic In This Place”
- Nate
P.s. - Happiness… Yay! I Don’t Know Where I’d Be Without It…