97.4 Miles
Nathanael Berends August 30th, 2004
Tonight, I followed the moon for 97.4 miles…
The way you saw it convinced me that I’d like the same.
Archive for the 'Faith Things' Category
I Will Be Here.
Nathanael Berends August 21st, 2004
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
‘Cause I will be here
I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin’
Through the winning, losing and trying
We’ll be together
I will be here
(steven curtis chapman)
You Have a Heart.
Nathanael Berends August 15th, 2004
“You’ve got a disease that there is no known cure for. We have run the approprite tests and found alarming conclusions. This is a very troubleing circumstance. But what is more troubling is how you develoled this condition. It seems that due to constant exposure to the dangerous realities around you, this extremely rare virus has infected you. I am afraid there is no known cure. On top of this, the disease is extremely contagious as well.” Perplexed as usual, I had to ask, “What is the disease?” The answer: “An unyielding hunger for the truth, a passion for the people around you, and sorrow for those who still lie in darkness. To put it plainly, you have a heart. We must amputate immediately.”
(stolen from ben witte. thanks, bud.)
Comeon God. I’m Listening.
Nathanael Berends August 13th, 2004
Tonight, I was invited by Jeremy Veenema to attend the Unity Christian Music Festival at Heritage Landing.
The first complete act we saw was Casting Crowns…
… And in true CCM style, the lead singer offered a mini-sermon of sorts…
Unlike the near-death story of the act preceding him (Matthew West?), he offered more of a contemporary view on Christianity.
He said that he was driving home one evening – after he had begun, and nearly quit his ministry in the same day – and realized this:
God doesn’t need us. He wants us – but he doesn’t need us.
This song followed:
“Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.”
I couldn’t help but see the irony…
He doesn’t need me, but wants me.
I need him, but don’t want him.
Why?
“Not because of who I am,
But because of what You’ve done,
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who You are.”
I’d like to say that this evening was a turning point in my battle – a point which I was partly expecting.
It wasn’t.
I was assured from the stage however that “everything happens for a reason”.
Silly me, I should’ve been paying attention when one of my best friends in the world first told me the same – and is still telling me.
Regardless, it did allow me acceptance that this concert wasn’t the spiritual experience that I was expecting.
“I can assure you – every single one of you – that you are not here by mistake. God doesn’t work by chance – our God is a God of intention. There is a reason why EVERY single one of you is here.”
Is it a simple coincidence that eight days ago I had never heard of Casting Crowns?
… Despite my wishes, I’d be forced to say ‘probably not’.
But… Just curiosity now…
Does EVERYthing happen for a reason?
Something happened tonight that had NO reason in the WORLD.
And it scared me… It kindof scared Jer too!
I can promise that said event had no reason.
But that is getting away from the original topic…
Resuming:
I guess that tonight may’ve been a step in the right direction…
It made me realize one thing - One thing that my cynical side immediately dismissed as a falsehood.
The general message that all of the acts conveyed was that God is waiting for us to accept him.
At that point, he will accept us, and forgive us… and yaddi-yah-yah…
Um… er…
I thought that for the past 19 months, I’ve been asking God to accept me.
And then I get curious:
‘Have I not been asking correctly?’
This is where ‘it’ breaks down.
What do I need to do… Other than what I have been doing?
I DON’T Know!
And that is where I am stuck.
Tonight, I saw SOOO many people become SOOO moved.
Moved by what? I don’t know.
Regardless, I wish I were moved.
I am recognizant of the fact that *Something* made those people that excited.
*Something* made those bands SOOO passionate about what they were doing.
And I want that same thing.
I want that same *Something* to make me that genuinely excited.
I want that same *Something* to make me that passionate about something.
And again…
If this isn’t me accepting Jesus’ gift of salvation, I don’t know what is.
Do I need to type it?
‘JESUS, I want you to come into my life. JESUS, I want you to be my savior.’
I’ve said it a hundred times. Why should this time be any different.
Again:
“Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”
Even with me, it isn’t that I can’t make the leap and accept him… That almost seems like the easy part for me. My problem is that it doesn’t seem like there is anyone holding out an open hand. There isn’t anyone that I can walk to…
“But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth”
I WANT TO HEAR THAT VOICE.
why can’t i?
Why? Because I Am Not God.
I Guess He Know’s Why.
I’d really like to find out though.
“Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again”
I’d like to talk to someone about this…
I’d like to talk to YOU about this…
Even more, I suppose I’d like to talk to God about this.
‘Comeon God… I’m listening.’
A sense of urgency arrives -
Go listen to the song “Here I Go Again”, by Casting Crowns.
I feel hypocritical…
I have made it a point to let those closest in my life know how much I love them.
What if I don’t wake up tomorrow? Will those I love know it?
I so dearly hope so.
What if I don’t wake up tomorrow? Will God know my true wishes?
I so dearly hope so.
Unfortunately, in both situations, I can never be completely sure.
Do I even know my true wishes?
I don’t know that hypothesizing on this will produce anything positive.
I revert again:
“Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again”
I’d like to talk to someone about this…
I’d like to talk to YOU about this…
Even more, I suppose I’d like to talk to God about this.
‘Comeon God… I’m listening.’
It’s (not) All Up To You.
Nathanael Berends July 30th, 2004
If It’s All About You, Then It’s All Up To You. God Loves You Too Much To Say That It Is All About You.
- Max Lucado
I read this line in the instant messaging profile of a really good friend…
After reading it, I sat and marveled at the statement – not because I was struck by the amazing depth of the sentiment, or by the immense implications; rather, I marveled because I realized that I didn’t know what in hell it meant.
I’m not sure that I am any closer to understanding it than when I first begun.
Perhaps I Am…
Regardless, I was both encouraged and dismayed by my interpretation of the quote.
As I see it, it is a pretty basic re-affirmation of grace…
With as much spiritual inclination as I could muster, I read the message to simply say this:
When God gives us what seems like more than we can handle, we shouldn’t worry – because we don’t need to handle it… God loves us that much – enough that he’d never think of leaving us to fight our spiritual battles alone.
That is a pretty cool concept…
Except…
I don’t really care – Lucado’s message doesn’t mean anything to me.
What should be troubling is that Lucado’s attempt to convey how much God loves me has failed.
It probably doesn’t matter how cleverly he presented his idea – the simple fact is that - for some unknown reason - I am incapable of feeling the love of God; the love that so many people talk about.
I recently talked to someone who I’d be under-commending if I simply called him my spiritual role model – because he has become so much more.
Regardless of how I refer to him, one thing remains true:
He – like Lucado – has failed.
… at least that was my first reaction.
It only seemed at first look that they had failed.
As untrue and as false as I am in asserting these claims, the fact remains that I – in some odd way – felt like they weren’t successful in what they hoped to do.
…But they were… either inadvertently or directly, they have led me to realize one thing.
At the onset, it was my hope that these spiritual role models – both those directly in my life, and those more indirectly related to me – would be able to say a magic word – or perhaps a magic sentence – that would immediately fix my spiritual dilemma.
Looking back at the quote, I realize the folly in this train of thought.
The truth is that it isn’t up to us to define matters of the spiritual realm.
I was sitting ten feet from John Hiatt when he offered this advice.
‘When facing any matters of religion, faith, and such, remember only two things:
One; yes, there is infact a God.
Two; no, you yourself are not God’
Again, I can analyze this statement and attempt to pull it apart in hopes of finding some applicable truth. Despite this, one fact remains; even if I can find some truth in the statement, I strongly doubt that I’d be able to use that truth to change anything.
But then again – I am not God.
If Lucado is infact correct, then I can put my faith in God to make the move.
But… this leads to an entire tangential universe of thoughts, doubts, and truths.
Only those closest to me know of my spiritual journey, and how for the last year and a half – almost closer to two - I’ve been treading only enough to stay afloat in my personal sea of doubt and logic.
Then, I look at those around me…
I see what I want, but can’t have…
I see people who seem to have the whole ‘spiritual thing’ figured out.
In honesty, I envy their position – a position of some variety of spiritual superiority.
Then, the resentment gets pushed to a different target – God.
If I truly believed that God existed - and does exist - I’d probably be pretty pissed at him.
As bad as that may seem, it is the truth. I begin asking questions like ‘Why Me God?’, And ‘How Much Longer’.
It seems like there has got to be a reason. Perhaps if I knew that reason, my situation would appear more bearable…
For the past 18 or more months, there hasn’t been a reason:
At first, it seemed like I was kindly waiting for an epiphany to define the purpose of faith. From there, it moved to a more cynical sense of realization that God may be testing me… forcing me to define my faith for myself.
Now?
Now, it seems that I am on the edge…
I am still able to tell myself that there probably is a God, and that he did infact send his mortal son to save us from our sins.
… with great fear, I realize that I am less certain of the truth of the preceding statement than I was 18 months ago.
… with great fear, I realize that I am human – and humans do fail; humans do give up.
… with great fear, I realize that I have got to be close to giving up.
In hindsight, I’ve spent the past 18 months pursuing something while receiving no real proof that my efforts are working.
… for somebody as bent on logic as myself, that just doesn’t make any sense.
I am half expecting that any day, I will realize my foolishness, and throw in the towel for real.
I don’t want to give up… but I really don’t know what choice I’ve got.
A cynic could say that I don’t need to give up if I don’t want to.
I would refute that: Have you got any idea how discouraging to spend 18 months with no real results?
Half of me is saying “Fuck It.”
At this point in time, I really like that side.
But it is only half of me – though I can’t say that the complete other half is saying the opposite.
I know that this doesn’t make any sense - please forgive me if I’ve wasted your time with this post.
This has become much less of an objective post than I had initially figured on – but it is my belief that a lot of what I said needed to be said.
In the morning, I’ll probably kick myself for writing it – but this isn’t a work of fiction. Everything I wrote had a reason – whether I am aware of that reason or not.
If It’s All About You, Then It’s All Up To You. God Loves You Too Much To Say That It Is All About You.
I guess if God really does love me, he could put an end to this. Maybe he loves me so much that he knows what reason this ‘trial’ has. Regardless, I don’t know that I can think about it anymore tonight.
Again, I am sorry if this post served you no purpose.
Perhaps it has for me.
[Joy Fits?]
My Last Question Is This:
Why, when I re-read this, do tears come to my eyes? That isn’t fair.
I’m Not With Him.
Nathanael Berends July 8th, 2004
Heads Up! - This One Might Get A Little Long, And I Might Get A Little Deep.
…. So I know that the 4th was a while ago, but I keep thinking about something that I saw there. It really wasn’t what I saw there that started this, but it “rekindled” a fire that has been laying low. I have had some pretty interesting conversations reguarding this, and it seems that everyone has their own view, and most of them are very valid. About now, your probably asking “What Did You See Nate?”.
What started this … “episode?”… was very simple, but it seemed that I wasn’t the only one that was pissed about it. It was very simply a guy with a sign. Under normal circumstances, I would simply dismiss it as a guy with a sign - which it was. However this sign has some writing on it that cought my attention, and the attention of others.
After a short while it seemed that there was a circle of people from Christian High who were grilling this guy about his sign.
Again, your probably asking “NATE!?! - What Did The Sign Say?”.
The front side carried the message that the end is near, and all sinners (It listed them: Adulterers, Lyers, Idolaters, ROCK & ROLLERS, Dopers, Cheaters, Thieves, Etc.) must repent and fall before the vengefull God above. The backside said “The Wages Of Sin Is Death” - But it was arranged in such a fashion that letters from those words spelled AIDS. The essence of this side of the sign was that it you have aids, prepair to burn in hell.
That was what the sign said, what came from his mouth was much more offensive to any Christian of any variety.
Please take some time and consider what your reaction to this type of person would be. I did, and then prepared to bout with this guy. Luckily I had fifteen people - all raised in the CR tradition - surrounding me.
To start off, I talked for a while with people about the reverse of the sign. While I was doing this, others were already knee deep in a “discussion” of their own. What we discussed was interesting, but too diverse to create a transcript for. What I got out of the experience was more of a “big picture” message.
I came to the realization that being a Christian is one thing, and saying you are a Christian is another - duh!
What this guy was preaching was a hard, and un-understanding christianity. This guys world was black and white, you are saved, or not. Please take my word, this guy was extreme. He fell into the same league as Fred Phelps (Who is one sick person), and Gerri Falwell. If you are unfamilliar with either of the freaks, consider yourself lucky. Anyhow, I realized the scary fact that the world is plagued with Toxic Christians.
Thank God that I have been brought up in a CR tradition, and I have a foundation to build my faith on. However the horrific truth is that if I saw this guy on the street - if I knew very little about the Christian faith - I would have a great reason to never become a Christian. All the time that I listened to this guy, in the back of my mind I kept thinking about how many people have seen this guy’s “show”, and have been put off on the Christian faith?
A bunch of questions came to my mind reguarding this. How can this be? What is our responsibility - as Christians - to deal with these situations? What creates this kind of a situation? All of these questions came to me, and I realized that there are no really easy answers here - I can’t go to Schulers, and pick up “How To Deal With “Christians” - For Dummies”.
I guess that these questions are why I am writing this.
Now, For This To Make Sense Please Do As Follows:
Step One: Go To My Archives.
Step Two: Go To July 9, 2003
Step Three: Laugh Heartily
The Moon
Nathanael Berends July 3rd, 2004
I Looked At The Moon, And Realized You Were Probably Right.
[that was cool.]
(Editorial Aside) : Re: This Morning - Thanks!
Grace. Again.
Nathanael Berends June 23rd, 2004
Grace
I Like That Idea…
[now, i only wish i believed in it]
——————-
I Had Created Three Pages Of ‘Stream-Of-Concousness’ Writing…
Somehow, My Faith Life Manifested Itself In Three Barely Filled Pages.
Faith Life? Perhaps The Lack Thereof.
At Any Rate…
The Exerpt At The Top Of This Page Is The Only Part That Was Spared The Delete Key - The Only Part That Matters I Suppose.
[Jump!]
This should change the way I live, right?
Nathanael Berends June 15th, 2004
At 10:53 this evening, a paraplegic told me to never take anything for granted.
… i am ready?…
[Jump!]
At a stalemate with time.
Nathanael Berends May 31st, 2004
I Was Cleaning My Room Today, And Found This Poem That I Wrote Ages Ago. The Structure Is Presented Here Just As It Is In The Book - It May’ve Made Sense At One Point, But No Longer Does.
Enjoy!
++++++++++++++
Perhaps seeking an answer
to a question I have not
yet asked, I find myself
at a stalemate with time.
When it begins, I must continue.
For now, it is stopped, &
I am alive!
When it resumes, I imagine,
the inevitabilitys of the world
will force me to begin.
+I LOVE IT+
In an effort to verbally
outdo myself, I find a page
of fancy words, & non-sentances.
The meaning, like time,
has eluded me once again.