She told me that as soon as I was done with college, I would find myself with a surplus of time and a degree of freedom that was before unthinkable. With this time, she shared, I might find myself reading more books, finding more adventures, and sitting alone with more of my thoughts. She’s said that she learned more in the three months since she graduated college than she ever did taking classes.

In the three days and six hours since I graduated college, I have begun my journey down a similar road.

What follows might be considered the first really burdensome lesson upon which I have been dwelling.

Last week, I asked Deb how I might try to pray for a situation whose desired outcome is unclear. On one hand, I might pray for something to happen. On the other hand, of course, I might also have cause to pray for the same thing to not happen. And sometimes, it’s just not clear which way to pray.

“So, do we just pray that God’s will be done?” I asked with a hint of confused desperation.

I don’t exactly recall the words she chose in response to my inquiry. What I do recall is her discouraging me from such a prayer. She said something about it reducing God to a puppet-animator God.

“But isn’t that how Jesus taught us how to pray?”

I pondered this question in silence, sitting on the couch in her office.

A puppet-God?

Now, almost a week later, I am still preoccupied with the question of how we pray for (and about) the things toward which we harbor uncertainty.

In the past I have prayed for abundant clarity. Dear God, I might begin, please make it abundantly clear what you would have me do here.

Abundantly clear; that there be no room for doubt or uncertainty; that God show me with decisive certainty what I am to do; that God do the work of discernment for me.

What am I praying for when I ask God to make something abundantly clear?

On one hand, as a former high school teacher of mine answered on my Facebook page, I am in this prayer asking for “Clarity and/or discernment. And/or for direction.”

And that’s completely true.

But I’m also asking for something more. I’m asking that God do the work for me.

Aren’t I?

I could, of course, do what our forefathers and foremothers have done through the ages–pray and fast and wait on the Lord’s voice. I could wait and wait and wait for that point at which I might begin to discern God’s will for me.

Or I could pray that God make the next steps abundantly clear. This sure would save a lot of work, wouldn’t it?

What am I praying for when I ask God to make something abundantly clear?

I’m praying that God give me a pass; that I not need to perform any legitimate effort of discernment on my own.

My sense is that to pray for abundant clarity might reduce God to the puppet figure that Deb told me about on the couch.

Considering these points, how do we go about praying? For what do we pray? Why does a simple prayer for discernment seem so… inadequate?

(Am I completely off base here?)

Sometimes questions arise that we have a hard time immediately dismissing.

My dear friend has told me before how there are certain unsettling questions that she literally feels. There are issues with which she wrestles that affect her in a very real and physical way. There are questions that build a home inside of us, refusing to leave until we have satisfactorily addressed them.

This is one of them.

What am I praying for when I ask God to make something abundantly clear?

Alaska So Far:

+These Jobs Are Everywhere

It came as a relief to me when, on my second day in Alaska, at my orientation seminar the presenter acknowledged that nobody comes up to Alaska for the job.  There are a thousand different reasons why folks head toward America’s last frontier, but these reasons have little to do with a 40hr/week work contract.  There is no job up here that is without its counterpart in the lower 48.  With this reality, I began to understand that there is something very special that draws people to this place.  

In the “outside”—an Alaskan term for the rest of the United States—there are hotels everywhere.  There are restaurants and retail operations throughout the nation at which we could have just as easily applied for employment.  There are scores of National Parks, too—most of them closer to folks’ homes than Denali.  

Nevertheless, we have chosen Alaska.  And it wasn’t because of the Job.

+Why People End Up In Alaska

Since the footings of our nation were laid, people’s pursuit of discovery has always led westward.  It seems, then, only logical to regard Alaska as a culminating point in that journey.  

In my first weeks, I noticed that the introduction processes around here have an extra feature.  In addition to typical elements of introduction found most anywhere, a common question around these parts is “Why Alaska?”  After pondering silently to myself as to why people’s responses seemed so similar, I began to more fully understand why.  A co-worker suggested that the only people who end up in Alaska are those who are running from something, or running to something.  What this is, of course, is simply two ways of referring to the same fundamental act.

People end up in Alaska because they have tried life—in any number of ways—and been left wanting.  People end up in Alaska because they are searching for more. 

Sugarloaf Mountain

+Where Faith Meets Culture

I entered this summer with some degree of reticence with regard to what I expected to be a thriving bar scene.  I arrived to just such a scene, and nearly immediately discovered the bar to be a place of meeting—a place of community.

I have a shirt (which I pilfered from the Office of Admission) that boldly proclaims Seattle Pacific University as a place where Faith Meets Culture.  I wear this shirt less and less these days.

In Alaska, I have confirmed a long-held suspicion that a college campus is not the intersection of faith and culture in nearly the same and significant way that a tavern is.  It is with a pint of Porter that one may begin an honest inquiry into the reality of both Faith and Culture.  This is not something that happens in a classroom of like-minded undergraduates.

To talk of abstinence from the realities of society—of cigarettes and ales—is to say nothing of any intersection of belief and reality.  To talk of how, as Christians, we are to behave responsibly within this reality is to begin talking about how Seattle Pacific University might hope to actually engage a culture to change a world.

Where, then do we find the point at which Faith Meets Culture?  Somewhere between two pints and a dartboard it seems.  There are probably other places, too.

Walking Along a Ridgeline

+Community of One?

Nevertheless, it has been a challenge to live as a person “set apart.”  My nearest ministry team member lives 3 miles away.  Our third team member lives 53 miles away.  And while I have made very significant and meaningful connections with Christian co-workers, this summer has provided an extraordinary lesson in the reality that Christian life is hard without the support of Christian community.  Christian life is prone to failure without the support of Christian community.  I am certain that my empirical side will not soon forget this summer.

Alpenglow

This is something that I am sure I have shared with you before, but I must reiterate it in hopes that these thoughts continue to be meaningful. Much like your thoughts about beauty, I have been captivated by the reality that Joy might be one of the only things in the world that cannot in any way be purchased–only received.

I am sure that I told you about the end of my first summer as a counselor in 2005 at SpringHill when I spent some time trying to ponder the “big picture” of the summer. There I was, ten weeks older and well more than ten weeks wiser, and I was asking the “so what?” question. After a good bit of pondering, I arrived at patience and joy.

I would hate to seem too much of a reductionist, but there’s really nothing about life that is more complicated than those two things, working together… I think.

…and if you knew fully where I am coming from in writing this, you would begin to understand. I will try to explain this momentarily.

As Christians, (and this is only possible through what we may regard as “Christian hope”) we understand that there is something better. There is some purpose that goes beyond us. Perhaps most simply, I must, as a Christian, understand that life is bigger than me. My life is for something more. Yours is too.

We will always find joy in this greater purpose, and if we’re having a hard time with even that, we must be patient enough that we may wait until our eyes are opened to that joy. It’s about patience, and it’s about joy. But, you already know all of this.

So… Where I am coming from…
Work here is terrible. I work with good people, and the work is enjoyable and challenging, but I am one of more than a thousand seasonal employees. I care not to elaborate, but work here is terrible. You’ll need to trust me here.

BUT. I live in Alaska. So it’s worth it. Again, you’ll need to trust me here. It is worth it 100%.

It has been much harder than I currently even realize to be so very far away from so many people with whom I am familiar. Alaska is good, but hard. I don’t think that there’s any bit of me that fully realized what it would be like to make life, if only for a summer, so far North into the unknown. At the end of the day, it’s a character building experience.

But really… The distance has been hard…

I received word yesterday that a guy who was on Chapel Core Staff with me this past year was killed, only 20 years old, in a bicycle accident. He was riding to work and a beer delivery truck didn’t see him… Or that’s how the story went by the time it got to Alaska. In any case, this was news that took me 4 days to hear. That was and continues to be hard.

In a completely unrelated story, there are two women, fellow seasonal employees like myself, who are presently lost, somewhere in Denali National Park. They were reported missing when they didn’t show up for work last week, and now, 5 days after they were reported missing, only 100 of Denali’s more than 9,400 square miles have been searched. The dense foliage and rugged terrain make the search very slow, if not sometimes nearly impossible.

I didn’t know either of these ladies, but their story affirms the reality that, in a moment’s time, life can change. They went out for an overnight backpacking trip, and their lives changed. My buddy Patrick got on his bike to go to work, and his life ended.

So… How do you deal with the reality of loss when there’s not a soul in sight who knows you for who you really are?

That’s the predicament at the present moment.

I have been very distracted, so my minute-to-minute life has not been terribly negative, but when I have opportunities, such as now, to reflect on such things, I begin to feel completely overwhelmed by the reality of loss.

I talked to the girl who led our Chapel Core Staff this last year, and she, very profoundly, admitted that she’s not ready to be okay with Patrick’s passing away. She’s not ready to say that she’s okay with his death. She’s not ready to say that she has found the silver lining in the situation, because, in reality, there may not be one. And I really admire her forthrightness about that.

I have, lately, been trying to figure out the logistics of being angry at God.
I read an article in a Cleveland, Ohio newspaper about Patrick’s death, and in the comments section, people kept talking about how his family’s deep and abiding faith would carry them through. Frankly speaking, that sounds like some bullshit that somebody would only say if they hadn’t ever lost a son, a brother, a close friend. Like my friend Carissa, I’m not okay with dismissing this as a matter of God’s will.

What if this is a result of the fact that the world is being held captive to sin, pain, and destruction?

Certainly I will affirm that God is active in the world today, but until Christ comes again, so is Satan. Satan is alive and well in the world today, and because of that, I am not okay with any condolences that dismiss this issue as a matter of God’s perfect will.

And yet…

Scripture is full of passages in which God asks people, very plainly, “what right do you have to be angry?”

What right do I have? None.

But the world is a broken place, and I’m still trying to figure out how to cope.

What right do I have? None.

But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

…and it all comes back to patience and joy, doesn’t it?

It’s hard to be really joyful right now. But I have faith that if I am patient, I will soon find joy again.

And that’s a good feeling.

Please find the opportunity to read Job 38 (and 39?). God is God, and we are not. And while that does little to aid in coping with a broken world, at least it does something to affirm that God might, just maybe, possibly know that there’s a bigger plan in the works here. And at the end of the day, it’s not about you. It’s not about me. It’s about something bigger.

Life is bigger than us, and somehow that’s an idea that is a little comforting.

I am reminded of a Max Lucado quote:
If it’s all about you, then it’s all up to you.God loves you enough to say that it’s not about you.

I will look forward to sharing more about Alaska, but now is maybe not a super time for that.

I am very pleased to hear that you are well.

Most fondly,
Nate