Dear Laura,
Nathanael Berends May 25th, 2006
Dear Laura,
I received your voicemail last Sunday, and you may rest assured that my heart was both appropriately warmed by your greeting, and saddened by the reality that by the time I got the message, I was already home in Michigan. I imagine that by now you might be curious about my continued silence. I haven’t extended the friendly courtesy of responding to the message for a host of reasons—chief among them, fear. I was afraid that if I were to phone you in response, I’d meet the miserable face of failure in my attempt to articulate just how much I appreciate you, Laura, and how much our relationship this year has meant to me.
I know. Lame. It seems almost contradictory that I would view our relationship with enough value that I would think it wise to not respond. I’ve got an issue, I think.
At any rate…
It’s rather peculiar that I so clearly remember our first meeting. It was September, and the CSL was crowded. And, somehow, in the chaos that was the Spiritual Life Open House, Rabbi Al introduced us. I was, in that moment, relieved to discover that even one thousand miles from anything I’ve ever known, there was at least one other person who shared my beliefs… My values… And, perhaps most importantly, my understanding of the world.
Over the past year, we’ve spent a great deal of time discussing the peril and glory of attending Emerson as a Christian. And, to be rather straightforward, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It is hard to sit in a Western Civilization lecture, and tune out the closed-minded defamation of both religion and the existence of Jesus Christ. It is hard to sit in a class of 14, and listen to a room full of students speaking against the church, and realize that they are, by and large, very justified in their claims and attacks. It is hard.
And still, at the end of it all, Wednesday was only a few days away.
Rather, EGNF was only a few days away.
Or, sometimes even closer, Sunday.
You, Laura, were the only person in Boston who sincerely cared whether or not I was able to make it to church on a given Sunday. Whether you knew it or not, you were in a league of your own—you were the only person who was going to hold me accountable, whether you ever even knew you were doing so. A result only of your influence, I felt a distinct responsibility to hold myself to a higher standard of accountability.
Laura… It is because of you that I have survived my first year in Boston.
A bold claim, perhaps, but one that I most sincerely hold as truth.
I previously alluded to the fact that I had very strongly considered transferring schools. I may have even directly told you—I’m not altogether certain. Regardless…
Around the turn of the Semester, and particularly after Spring Break, I was so very convinced that Emerson was not the place for me. Over Christmas Break, I had seen my friends at Calvin College who had more community than I could ever dream of at Emerson. During Spring Break, I met a group of 30 of the most on-fire believers from Durango, Colorado. In both cases, I was one step closer to leaving Emerson. In fact, I even filled out the applications for Gordon, and Seattle Pacific. (I still couldn’t bear to apply to Calvin, though. ;-))
But… There was something keeping me.
I was ready to leave so many things behind. I had even resigned to the reality that I don’t need the EVVYs to define me.
But still… Keeping me back was one thing… EGNF.
If for no other reason, I eventually realized that my place is at Emerson—involved in the Emerson Good News Fellowship.
…And that is a reality that I learned from you, Laura.
So many nights, when I wanted only to sit in despair and heartbreak, I found myself at your door. Sometimes you were home. Many times you weren’t. Even so, it took only the brisk walk across the common, and the hope of a friendly welcome to restore some sense of purpose to my situation.
You were right, Laura, when you said that we’re a lot alike.
So many of our conversations have now, in retrospect, become the cornerstones of my freshman year. I don’t think that I’ll ever forget walking home with you, along Commonwealth Avenue after the Seder dinner. That night, and our conversation, beginning over our voluntary dish duty, will long be etched in my memory.
Thank you.
I know that I haven’t said that nearly enough.
It is hard for me to articulate just how sincerely grateful I am to have known you this year. To steal a sentiment from WICKED, I know that because of you, I have been changed for good—I have become who I am today. In this past year of transition, your support, encouragement, and place in my life have played an absolutely irreplaceable role.
And, in the spirit of disclosure…
You might be curious why we didn’t connect one last time to say farewell.
That’s my fault. I couldn’t. I’m sorry.
I know that this sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I am horrible at closing doors.
For whatever reason, I am unable to part ways gracefully. Instead, I just leave. (This has happened too many times before.) I don’t say goodbye—I leave. And, while it seems easier not to say goodbye, I often find that a short time later, a great amount of disappointment displaces my one-satisfaction with how easy it is to just leave.
That doesn’t make a lot of sense. I’m sorry.
On the upside (I guess) we can celebrate that we’ve not said goodbye—we’ve just parted company for some short time.
Regardless… (…and resuming.)
I appreciate you.
I know that you spend a good deal of time concerned about your influence, and your effectiveness as the president of EGNF, and more importantly, a role model. Toward the end of this last semester, too, it seemed that you were overly concerned about the legacy that you would leave in EGNF.
Don’t worry.
You’re headed to such extraordinary glory.
I, like you, often spend too much thought on how others regard me.
Let me settle your mind… You’re amazing.
Given the circumstances of this year, you did what few others would ever dare attempt—you led EGNF almost completely without the support of your leadership team.
For that, you deserve a great deal of commendation.
When all is said and done, I will forever remember our relationship as a paramount component of my Emerson experience. I will take your lessons and your spirit forth in the leadership of EGNF over the next three years. I will hold dear our friendship and our common experiences. I will remember you Laura—don’t ever worry about that.
And we’ll keep in touch.
I’ll drop you a line next time I find myself traveling through Wisconsin or Minnesota. And next time you find yourself in Michigan, or Massachusetts, I’ll look forward to your call.
I am confident that we’ll meet again soon—probably a lot sooner than we even expect!
Until then, I offer you all of my warmest gratitude. I pray that God use you for great things wherever you next find yourself! I pray, too, that we find appropriate opportunity to keep in touch.
All in His Name,
(signed: Nate Berends)
p.s. I didn’t ever dare tell you this in person, but you are, without a doubt, the best friend that I had all year. For that, words cannot express my gratefulness.
p.s.s. For the summer, my address is:
Nate Berends
c/o Camp Roger
8356 Belding Road
Rockford, MI 49341
(let’s please keep in touch!)